Hmmm, a blog... now I need to think of something to say...

Right, where to start? Kidney stones? Might be a bit early in the process for that. Overwhelming sense of doom as I note my life rushing past in a haze of pointless jobs and idiotic bosses? Maybe. Reflections on the political landscape and a sense of doom that has pervaded my life for about 8 years? Nah, a bit inflammatory for the first go.

Kidney stones it is! Yeah, they suck. Weird thing is last night one just shot out. Had some odd discomfort the past few days, but nothing like I've had before. The cool thing about kidney stones is you get morphine. The bad thing about kidney stones is you need morphine. This one was startlingly large considering the ones that have landed me in the local ER vomiting from the pain.

And yet, there is was. Time to wax philosophic. Please hold on whilst I shift gears while doing horrid things to the clutch.

Not sure how the connection was made in my brain. Odd things happen there. I found myself thinking about A) how different I felt and hadn't realized how crummy I had felt, and B) stepping back to wonder what else could be dislodged from my life that would result in a similar catharsis. In what ways do I feel crummy and not even realize it? More importantly, how to I resolve those things?

No clue. Really. Well, maybe some.

My kids are 15 and 13, girl, E, and boy, N. I find myself seeing them very differently than I suppose my father ever saw me. It would require more introspection than I believe he is capable of carrying out. Mostly because of fear. To wander out into your own internal landscape means being willing to See Things as They Are (as much as is possible at that moment in time given the mental state, one's understanding to start with and all that wonderfully Freudian/Jungian, Socratic/Platonic crap we carry around). Yeah, that ain't my father. He'll glance at the Pool of Self-discovery only to decide it's too cool out, he didn't bring trunks and ate too recently for a swim, turn his back and saunter back under the sheltering branches of His Perceptions.

What the hell am I talking about? This all worked so much better while I was in the shower this morning. I think so much more clearly there.

I find myself seeing my kids as My Legacy. Kind of an odd third person feel to that sentence, but it fits. I find part of myself looking around, observing and gnawing on motivations, possible futures, what does it all Mean and generally being far too Existential for my own good. It's also kind of a "duh, genius" thought.

Oh there it is!

What won't I see in their lives? One set of my grandparents have seen me get married and have kids. I'll probably see my own get married and see my grandkids, but will I see great-grandkids? Much less see them get to high school. (Not sure how much my grandparents are retaining at this point, but that's a different matter.)

I've been missing my little kids. I was a Stay-at-Home dad. I've been privileged to experience my children in a way few fathers do, sadly for them. The fathers not my kids. My son's voice is cracking. My daughter ought to be getting a bunch of looks from the boys. And I'm pissing kidney stones, seeing some gut where I've never ever had gut and wondering how to still be romantic in a marriage that's old enough to vote? (Do not deluge me with obvious responses, please. It takes 2 to make it really work. But that's another post.)

Mid-life crisis? Not really. More of the same, really. Just the stakes are bigger than at 20 years old. The navel gazing carries more weight now and more lint.

I guess I'm going to use this as a place to ruminate and chew on my thoughts. Maybe find an answer for myself. Maybe find out where the 20 year old has hidden himself.