My Shrink Laughs at Me

I'm too smart for my own good I've heard it said often and from varied sources. It occurred to me today though I'm not sure what that means. Under it lays an assumption of fundamental dumbness if while one has intelligence one is unable to adequately wield (I before E... can't remember THAT) it without causing grievous harm to one's self. Kinda dumb.

Oh, and to contradict my sister (MidLifeMama - A Change of Life) I AM a therapist. I'm just not getting paid to do it. An important distinction cuz otherwise I just wasted the last 4 years in grad school if I didn't get a piece of paper with snazzy printing on it. My second snazzy piece of paper with Master of Arts in (fill in the blank). Might actually use this one. This one is a Master of Arts in Counseling. Oooh aaah... "Yes, it is your parents fault, but it's time to get over it and grow up. That'll be $70.oo." Yeah that about sums up what I learned. Except I learned how to drag it out and say it in nicer ways.

Non-sequiter: Headphones, Bose TriportIE are ok, but disappointing for a C note. While Platronics makes a geeked out over ear (around ear and comfy to boot) antennae looking set with a boom mic for $70 that have astonishing clarity for the price. When pundits speak of instrument definition and seperation, I thought my hearing had taken a few too many hits. Then I stuck these on my noggin and wow... very nice. Lindsey Buckinham is a crazy talented guitarist. Too bad he was stuck in Fleetwood Mac.

Where was I? Smartness... yeah.

In high school my best friend, Jim, and I were not the class clowns. We wrote for them. We were to one's who got other people in trouble while looking decidedly innocent in our front row seats with popcorn and libretto handy. ("I think Act 1 went rather well...") I hated school. High school anyhow. What a deplorable waste of time. (Big words are used to show my brain is brainy thus lending creedence to my opinion.) It probably didn't help to have undiagnosed ADD. That's a safe bet. Got diagnosed at 35 after scraping the thick accretion of depression and self loathing aside to find the root cause.

Root causes. I like those. The behind the scenes stuff that really drives us, motivates us, often without our conscious awareness. My shrink laughs at me. He shakes his head and waits for me to do his work for him. It's only fair since I don't let him sink back into the "therapy platititudes". I know them. Use them even. So he's got to stay on his toes. I have to say, the guy is really smart too. Probably the only reason I bother talking to him rather than just getting my monthly dosing of better living through chemistry.

Maybe Oregon isn't the best climate for a sufferer of depression. Summer (July - Sept) fantastic. though there are always 2 or 3 weeks of ludicrously hot. 105+ isw not unusual. But at the same time, effectively 0 humidity. Nyah, East Coast. Oct, and May/June are messy as the seasons fight it out to see who's gonna get to inflict themselves upon the hapless populace. Nov - Apr are dreary. Bleak like the moors of Western England are bleak. Bleak like how the rest of the world sees our current Town Idjit in Chief. Bleak.

Too smart for my own good... what does that mean? Too introspective for my own good? Yeah, I'll cop to that. Too cynical for my own good? On occassion, but I can usually explain (A before I... too many weird rules, oh E before I there) why it makes sense to have my outlook. My sister noted she's a Myers/Briggs INFJ. I'm an ENTP... well, the I/E in that is pretty neutral since I score slightly one side or the other based on the day. Anyhow, according to www.knowyourtype.com ENTPs are spontaneous and adaptable. They find schedules and standard operating procedures confining and work around them whenever possible. They are remarkably insightful about the attitudes of others, and their enthusiasm and energy can mobilize people to support their vision. Yep... if we can figure out how to play nice with others on any given day. And in my own defense I am WAAAY better than I used to be at it. Mmmmm, Ritilan my favorite flavor. "This rational response to stressful situations brought to you by Monsterous Pharmacutical Conglomerate, Inc."

Enough.

Music suggestion: A Little Less Conversation [JXL Radio Edit Remix]. Go find it. If you like the feel, the groove of the Ocean's 11-13 movies... this is the aural equivalent of the best scenes.

Good grief this was random. Which is why my shrink laughs at me. I'm ok with it.

Hmmm, a blog... now I need to think of something to say...

Right, where to start? Kidney stones? Might be a bit early in the process for that. Overwhelming sense of doom as I note my life rushing past in a haze of pointless jobs and idiotic bosses? Maybe. Reflections on the political landscape and a sense of doom that has pervaded my life for about 8 years? Nah, a bit inflammatory for the first go.

Kidney stones it is! Yeah, they suck. Weird thing is last night one just shot out. Had some odd discomfort the past few days, but nothing like I've had before. The cool thing about kidney stones is you get morphine. The bad thing about kidney stones is you need morphine. This one was startlingly large considering the ones that have landed me in the local ER vomiting from the pain.

And yet, there is was. Time to wax philosophic. Please hold on whilst I shift gears while doing horrid things to the clutch.

Not sure how the connection was made in my brain. Odd things happen there. I found myself thinking about A) how different I felt and hadn't realized how crummy I had felt, and B) stepping back to wonder what else could be dislodged from my life that would result in a similar catharsis. In what ways do I feel crummy and not even realize it? More importantly, how to I resolve those things?

No clue. Really. Well, maybe some.

My kids are 15 and 13, girl, E, and boy, N. I find myself seeing them very differently than I suppose my father ever saw me. It would require more introspection than I believe he is capable of carrying out. Mostly because of fear. To wander out into your own internal landscape means being willing to See Things as They Are (as much as is possible at that moment in time given the mental state, one's understanding to start with and all that wonderfully Freudian/Jungian, Socratic/Platonic crap we carry around). Yeah, that ain't my father. He'll glance at the Pool of Self-discovery only to decide it's too cool out, he didn't bring trunks and ate too recently for a swim, turn his back and saunter back under the sheltering branches of His Perceptions.

What the hell am I talking about? This all worked so much better while I was in the shower this morning. I think so much more clearly there.

I find myself seeing my kids as My Legacy. Kind of an odd third person feel to that sentence, but it fits. I find part of myself looking around, observing and gnawing on motivations, possible futures, what does it all Mean and generally being far too Existential for my own good. It's also kind of a "duh, genius" thought.

Oh there it is!

What won't I see in their lives? One set of my grandparents have seen me get married and have kids. I'll probably see my own get married and see my grandkids, but will I see great-grandkids? Much less see them get to high school. (Not sure how much my grandparents are retaining at this point, but that's a different matter.)

I've been missing my little kids. I was a Stay-at-Home dad. I've been privileged to experience my children in a way few fathers do, sadly for them. The fathers not my kids. My son's voice is cracking. My daughter ought to be getting a bunch of looks from the boys. And I'm pissing kidney stones, seeing some gut where I've never ever had gut and wondering how to still be romantic in a marriage that's old enough to vote? (Do not deluge me with obvious responses, please. It takes 2 to make it really work. But that's another post.)

Mid-life crisis? Not really. More of the same, really. Just the stakes are bigger than at 20 years old. The navel gazing carries more weight now and more lint.

I guess I'm going to use this as a place to ruminate and chew on my thoughts. Maybe find an answer for myself. Maybe find out where the 20 year old has hidden himself.